• EPTSquad

Within This Moment

In. out. In. out. Breathing seems so hard to do sometimes. As though the nourishing air that tries to push its way into you will crush you. Destroy you. Release you. Everything is held in that place.

Happiness, depression, anger, grief. It’s all held in that one precious space. The in-between place of yourself and the outside world. Others say that they want to help you but you can barely hear them. This is your angel and devil. It’s your everything. You try to tell them that you will be fine but your voice is trapped there. You hear your heartbeat. The only steady feeling that happens in this space. Your mouth is open trying to speak but nothing, with your tongue immobile and your joints locked in an iron grip.

This part is where your body is your prison and your mind, a jailor. All emotional scars haunt you with memories. Memories that you never tell people about, scared of judgement. You keep these emotions inside. It builds until you are exhausted. Frozen in a place where time does not seem to touch you.

What is worse is that this period of complete stillness, complete silence, will only last one minute. It will be broken with that first take of air. The tears fall hot and salty down your face and on your chest and lap. The pain of your heart takes over and makes you forget that you are human, a person, and a soul. You wail because you are not in the state of mind to make small conversations. It’s merely the way for you to talk. The only thing that defines you is the grief that overwhelms the emptiness in your chest.

You bow your body to an unforeseen god and pray. Pray for deliverance and salvation. You rock back and forth from the bow to sitting up on your knees. Arms wrapped around your stomach hoping to keep yourself together while falling apart. Hands are on you trying to support you but this agony is your own. Always unique to every molecule that is your being.

I do not know you. You are a virtual stranger. You are not alone. What you need in this eternity is space. To feel movement in every crevice of your bones and to have your chest open up to the world so you can bring in the air that wants nothing more than to serve you. Have you ever felt love through every pore of your skin? It’s a nirvana that seems far off from where you are at right now, but it is there, within reach, just waiting for you.

This pain is only temporary. I promise when it has moved through your body with its destructive power you will be alive and better for it. This pain means you are alive and you should not feel sorry for showing it to others. It means that you are broken and whole. It means you are perfect and flawed.

I do not know you and I may never know you outside of this moment. But within this split second I am yours. No one else will take the devotion that I have for you contained by this timelessness.

I just wanted you to know that in this second of fidelity you are loved.

That with all my heart, I love you.

(Author - Ashton Gaylord, Project STAR)

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